By The Chief
In a recent fad, people have discovered the world has more cakes than we previously thought. Personally, I just thought that cakes were cakes. But it turns out that any food can be one. I’ve seen cookies that were cakes, taco cakes, bananas and even eggs. I thought that was the extent of it, but quickly discovered that there was more to it than I could have ever imagined. Non-food things turned out to be cakes too. I’d try to put on a shoe. Cake. I’d grab my phone to check my messages. Cake. I’d even try to turn on the shower only to find out that the valve was a cake.
That’s when it dawned on me. If all of these things have been cakes this whole time, can a human be a cake? And if so, which humans have been deceiving us and masquerading around as something they’re not?
It‘a been right under our noses this whole time. What does a cake do? It shows up and everyone gets so excited. Then everyone has fun for a while and you think you’re on the right track. But then everything turns around on you. After too much time with a cake, you start to become unhealthy. The people around you no longer want you in their lives. But then someone else you know thinks, “it can’t be that bad. It looks delicious”, and tries the same exact thing. Obviously it goes poorly for them and the whole process starts over and over again.
Who does that remind you of? Carmelo Anthony has shown up so many times to so many different teams. Every single time that team’s fans get so excited. They throw parties and scream at the top of their lungs because they believe that he will bring them a championship. But what does he do? He loses. He disappoints people everywhere he goes and then moves on to start the process all over again.
“Alright, you found me out,” Melo told our reporters. “I’m a cake. I thought I’d be able to keep the secret til the day I spoiled, but that was just a fever dream. I’m honestly glad. Now I can just be myself.”