By Bill de Blasio
Dear America,
Hi, it’s me, Bill de Blasio. I’m 59 years old, love John Grisham novels, and I’m the current mayor of New York City. As you can most likely tell from that picture above this letter, I am very angry. That’s my angry face. You may be asking, Bill, why so mad? New York is a cool city. You have all the best food, broadway, the Yankees and Jerry Seinfeld. What’s wrong? I’ll tell ya what’s wrong. It’s those dirty rotten football teams that have been masquerading around as New York teams and I’m sick of it. That 1-13 abomination is not a representation of my city. I hate to break it to everyone, but the J**s and G***ts are not even from New York. They play way across the river in Satan’s laundry room; New Jersey. The fact that the NFL has allowed this sham to go on year after year is quite frankly an embarrassment to America. Why is this allowed to continue? The Devils play in Newark and they’re referred to as the New Jersey Devils. Makes sense right? They didn’t always play in Newark though. They used to actually play in the meadowlands at Izod Center along with the old New Jersey Nets. Hmmm, interesting. Who else plays at the meadowlands? I’m finding it hard to remember. Oh wait I know! It’s the goddamn NEW YORK J**s and NEW YORK G***ts! In what backwards, upside down, inside out world does that make even one iota of sense? They played less than a mile away from each other and say that they’re from different states! Un-freaking-believable.
New York has one football team. One beautiful, loving, charismatic football team that doesn’t even play in the city. It’s upstate but it’s the greatest franchise of all time. I’m obviously talking about the Bills of Buffalo. Yeah maybe they missed an awesome naming opportunity and maybe they’re over 400 miles from Manhattan, but they’re our team. Any decent New Yorker should be able to hold their heads high and tell their friends, loved ones and strangers that they met at a bar that they are a fan of not only the best, but onliest football team in New York.
I’m not gonna say that New York City never had a football team. We used to. For two seasons back in 2009 and 2012, the New York Giants actually did represent New York. It was bizarre, because they were still in New Jersey, but somehow managed to win the Superbowl. It doesn’t make any sense for a team from New Jersey to win a championship though because New Jersey is garbage, so we adopted them for the two years and keep the trophies in the mayor’s mansion’s trophy case. They’re right next to my 8 mayor of the year awards.
Next time I get elected I’ll try to make sure that at least one of the teams ends up in New York, but until then, go Bills and screw you Jersey.
Your favorite Mayor
-Billy d