By The Chief
We finally have some good news to share in these unpredictable times. I know we’ve been shoving bad news down your throats for months and framing it as positive, but this is for real this time. Since this pandemic started, the smartest scientists around the world have been researching and trying to develop the coronavirus vaccine which could bring the world back to normal. Doctors and pharmaceutical experts the world over dropped what they were working on and threw every resource into finding the cure. This obviously includes genius NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.
The commissioner came out with a press release today explaining what he’s been doing the whole summer. Apparently, fully aware that he is one of the smartest people on earth, he has built a sort of laboratory in his basement stocked full of tubes, beakers and how he described it- other science stuff. He announced that he reached a breakthrough, but not the one we were expecting. This is a soundbyte of Roger from a recent press conference.
“My fellow Americans, I have come here today to announce the findings of my laboratory (pronounced la-boh-ra-toe-re). As you know, we have been searching for a cure for quite some time, and I have come to announce that I have finally done it! I found the cure to concussions!”
Every reporter who was social distancing in the room got up and walked away due to pure awe of his brilliance. They simply did not feel worthy of sitting in his presence.
His experimentation process was simple. He would try a formula, bang his head on his desk, and try to read a nurses eye chart. If it read the same twice in a row then that would mean his mind was clear and the formula worked. After about 27 attempts, he finally nailed it. I don’t know much about science or the scientific method, but I’m not one to try and dispute the genius that is NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. And even though the coronavirus has not yet been cured, I’m super excited for teams to play football without fear of serious brain damage.